If you’re reading this, then it’s best chance that they are emerging. You would not have consulted this handbook otherwise. To survive a Zombie Apocalypse, you need to be brave, dauntless, strong, and most important of all, you need to be Prepared.
First on this ‘How to’ is to make sure you’re never alone. Never. The best way to survive is to be in midst of a group of bigger sized, tastier meat humans. Yes, you read that right. You need to be in the middle of this group – never stand on the outside – that’s the easiest target. If you’re in a big group and a group of zombies attacks, guess who falls first? You got that right, the perimeter surrounding you. By the time the zombies get to you, they’d be too full, they’d just walk pass you. Trust me. I know.
2nd. You have to have weapons. This is the number one ‘To-have’ in every other Zombie manuals, but none had the genius to give you the first tactic. Any sort of weapons will do, but I would suggest longer distance weapons are ideal as you would not need to stand directly in front of the zombies to kill them, and risk getting oozed on. The ideal weapons would be a bow and an arrow – Katniss style, a gun – lawman style, a rifle – the Winchester brothers style, discs – Snake Eyes style, or Boomerang – Australian man style. Try to stay away from daggers or knives – you really would not want to penetrate deep into the zombies heart to kill it – it’s disgusting. If you’re bad at targets and need closer-distance weapons, look for machete, axes, clubs or a broom.
Yes a broom. Why a broom you may ask? Well, let’s say you’re in your house, enjoying a nice, hot cup of coffee, and all of a sudden the siren blares – and you know in your heart what those sirens are for. Tell me where are you going to find a gun or rifle, or bows and arrows? You’d reach for the thing closest to you that resembles a weapon – and no, kitchen knives are a big no-no, unless you want to be drenched in Zombie gut, so yeah, pick up that broom and hold it like your sword.
This brings us to number 3. You can never go wrong with a partner. Yep, a fighting partner. Whether you’re a girl in need of a guy, a guy in need of a girl, a girl in need of a girl, a guy in need of a guy or any other combinations of that – you definitely need a fighting partner. Someone who makes the fight worthwhile. Or just to make the scene more enjoyable. A little banter before falling for each other is what every movie wants – I mean, any types of apocalypse needs.
What? You don’t need a partner? Well, then go the bloody hell ahead and get a cat. Hem hem… sorry for that. Shall we move on?
Okay number 5 is one of the most important – stay alive. I know, I know, Moriarty look-alikes would say – Staying alive is boring, it’s just… Staying… but that is crucial if you want to survive. after all the main theme of this post is surviving. What’s the point of going through all this fight and bravery only to… die. Yep, it’s intentional. Discreetly intentional.
Did you realize I didn’t put number 4? Well, four is obsolete. Nope, not everyone of you would get that. Four is just living through the days – going on with life.
Well, that escalated quickly. I’m going to just conclude this then. To survive a Zombie Apocalypse – guys seriously did you even read through that. You’d never survive if you follow my advices. Go to a bookstore, look for a zombie survival for dummy book and study that. ‘Nuff said.
