We're All Just a Little Crazy

So I was having a conversation with my sister in the car while we’re driving home from work, and somehow inadvertently I likened the both of us to tumors. We have these random discussions lately, about still being single at this age and about finding the right man for us. Let’s face it; we’re not growing any younger. If anything, the clock is ticking to our thirtieth birthday – where I would disintegrate into desperation first. We have already decided, once I turn thirty and if I’m still single, we’d head out to the bars and find a guy – where my sis will be my wing man, or in this case, wing girl – or I’d sign up for some cheesy date site and seriously find a guy. Honestly, I’m not even looking right now.


That being said, we discussed about the traits of guys that we’d want to end up with. I know checklists should not be made, as they tend to end up in disappointment, so we’ve actually thrown away out mental checklist. Right now, we are resigned to the fact; as long as the guy can accept our crazy then he’s a keeper.

I’ve realized lately that I tend to push guys away. There’s a wall there, but trust me, it’s slowly crumbling down. My sis is not so different from me. Besides that, I’m a hundred different kinds of crazy. Everyone has their crazy side – mine being my ego, my stubbornness, my arrogance, my inability to be loving, my sarcasm, my temper, my lack of flirting genes, my mild OCD and well, the list is as long as the Nile – but somehow it is hidden when you’re being courted by a guy.

I realized that I show my crazy as soon as a guy shows interest, and face it, who would want to deal with that? Most guys want girls to be all sweet and demure and well, just girls, but I somehow lack some feminity (is this even a right word?). Not all, just some. I’ve had tons of people telling me to behave more like a girl and stuff, but honestly by doing that, I’m exactly the clone of every other species of the female in this world. I pride myself in being different, not an eccentric or a freak, but I value my individuality. I don’t run with the crowd and I have my opinion on things that sometimes are not agreeable to others.

I will not be a robot and be someone I’m not just because I want a guy to fancy me. If at all, there’s a guy who actually could accept me for who I am – then he’s the keeper. If he thinks that I’m clay to be molded in his way, well, he’s seriously barking up the wrong tree. I realize that to compete with my crazy, I don’t need Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right – I need Mr. Crazy-Who-Complements-My-Crazy. If he’s perfect, he’s just not right as I am not perfect. If he’s Right – he may be wrong for me. But if he has Crazy that I can handle, and if he can handle my Crazy – then I don’t see any problems with us in joining our crazy heads and building a crazy life and having tiny little baby crazy crawling around.

So, back to the tumor conversation with my sister, I told her that my crazy would be known as soon as I get comfortable with someone and if they can endure that, then they are welcome to step into my land of Bleeding Rainbows and Killer Unicorns. If they can get past the first level of crazy and battle the rest, they are the right crazy (or Crazy Slayer). My sister on the other hand doesn’t show her crazy until too late – and the guy will have no chance of backing out as he’s in too deep (not literally).

So that’s how I said that she’s like a benign tumor while I’m a malignant tumor. My crazy is revealed in the first stage itself and it takes crafted hands to remove it and remove it and keep on removing it until the tumor is cleared, or just to live with it. My sis on the other hand (Yes, she let me post this about her – believe me, I had to ask) is a tumor that you’d never realize until it reaches stage three and then it’s just too late.

I’m not saying it to make a farce out of cancer or anything. It’s just that our crazy is relatable to cancer – its incurable – and those who face it; God bless your soul.

So, in conclusion, my sis and I are reduced to nothing more than a tumor. I might have other things to relate us too, but for now its tumor. It could be butterflies next or even shoes – it just goes to show that my imagination runs wild and makes me think of things that don’t even make sense – but you know, it actually does… a little.

Ranting - Not spesific to anyone

You say that all the girls you've ever dated were psychos, clingy, materialistic minded, selfish and all things that you find you're tired of. Well, did you try opening your mind (and eyes) to see those who are actually good and would treat you well? Of course you didn't. Why? Because she's not thin enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not stimulating enough, not hot enough, not enough to make you want her. What you didn't know is, if you actually widened your horizon, you might find that she's the one for you. She will not cling on to you and turn into a psycho. She will stand all your bad habits because she loves you regardless. She will be there for you when you're down - not run away at the slightest sign of distress. She will be your support, not your weight. She will go all out for you. And it's not because you're devastatingly good looking, or smart, or rich or anything. It's because she sees something in you that makes her heart race, that smile you give, that look you share, that heart inside of you. She doesn't want a saviour - she wants to be your saviour. Don't narrow your mindset and find rainbow coloured stones. If you picked up that jagged rock and shine it, you will see that it's more beautiful that the rainbow which is only temporary after a rain.

The last of danger days

My Chemical Romance. I have been listening to them since I can't remember when. It came as a shock to me when their brief hiatus turned out to be their last as they announced the break-up of the band on March 22, 2013. This came as a shock to me as I never expected that. I was still dreamily waiting for their next album - the next one to fill my boring and lonely days. Although they are gone, they still remain in my heart. I will still listen to their songs even if i've grown old to the age of eighty.

Typically Me

 I almost always seem to put myself in an embarrassing situation. Once again this morning, I had to sprint from my apartment building to catch the bus. I wasn't late - as I'm rarely late these days, but I don't know how I somehow seem to always run for the bus. Those bus drivers must be getting pretty sick of me already. *pause dramatically for a silent applause*
     Okay where is my standing ovation? The other day, being the genius that I am, I read some freaking ghost story at work (shh don't let my Director know about this). On Saturdays only our office will be open and it's on the fourth floor (also known as Suite 3A), and all the other floors will be silent. So that means the other floors toilets won't have people using it.
     Since all the children (Which are students) will use the fourth floor toilet, so I decided to go to the third floor toilet (and yeah, right after reading the damn story). As I got on the elevator, I realized that I might be scared to go to the toilet alone, but, well, there's no turning back right? So as I got off the elevator at the third floor, I heard the sound of a door closing somewhere in the back (where the toilets are situated). I froze in my footsteps, not sure whether to go ahead or not.
     Thinking that I'm silly and that I let my imagination run wild, I shook my head and walked to the toilet. I was cautious though, hoping not to bump into 'anyone'. Just as I turned into the corner, holding my breath in, I was caught by surprise....by one of the teacher from my office. I was so relieved - thank god he was in solid form. He almost made my heart burst out in fear.
    No more ghost stories for me.
    Today, I sent an email to my colleagues, and trying to be humorous, I used my friend's name and repeated her last name, which turned out to be a bad word in Hokkien. It is not something to be said in public, and luckily I didn't send that email to the whole office, or I'd have to find a place to bury my head in.
    I'm never using words that I'm not sure what the meanings are of.

Tom - Our beloved dog - died 28/07/2012

This is Tom, and he is our dearly beloved pet that has left us forever.

It's only been a day and I miss him like crazy, although I haven't seen him in a while since I moved out. Do you know how much your family misses you, Tom?

I start to cry again when I think of you. I feel so bad for the times I've scolded you when you sit in front of me and stare at me eating - you know how I hate people/animals staring at me. I would order you to go outside, and you would obediently run into your cage, although I didn't ask you to get in the cage. And then in a few minutes when I call you back to maybe give you the balance of my food, you'd run all the way to me as if i didn't just scold you a minute ago. You are such a loyal dog.

I know we've all been angry with you - why do you always want to run out of the house, the minute you see us open the gate to go out? I know it's in your animal instincts, but do you know how worried we get when you go for a long time - we worry you won't be able to find your way back, like your brother, Bill who is like a stranger now to us.

I miss now that I don't have a pet to stare at when I go home. Do you know that I like to see your antics? It's like a boring little entertainment to me. And the way you'd make your puppy dog little face that I'd feel pity on you, and let you in yet your fur flies all over the house.

Do you know that mommy will miss you too? Yeah, she yells at you when you poop all over the house and destroy our gate, and run out the gate at every chance and also bark at anyone that passes our house, but you know she loves you like she loves her own children? She makes sure you get your food everyday and will cook it to your liking - rice with a little of curry/sambal plus fried egg. You never get the rice without egg.

Do you know how daddy will miss you? He seems to love you more than anyone else, because you're the only one who would never contradict a thing he says, and if mommy scolds you - you run to dad, hoping he would protect you.

Do you know how Icca would miss you? She's the one who'd play silly run to the gate and back games with you - and let you kiss her mouth (chuckles) and also spoil you and take you for rides in her car. She'd miss doing that now.

Do you know Peechy will miss you? She's a big bully and scaring you by opening her umbrella is her idea of fun. You are afraid of that, but somehow you'd run to her when she calls you. And no matter how she bullies you for her own entertainment, she would pet and cuddle you all the same.

Do you know how Tebby would feel? He says he doesn't care about you but we all can see through that lie. He loves you just as much as I am not admitting.

Finally, do you know how much Nicu would miss you - she was the one who forced mommy and daddy to bring you home when you and Bill were only about a month's old. Those days seemed like a long time ago. I really thought you'd be with us for years, Tom, not 2 years.

But I guess God loves you better and decided to take you up to his home - he must have seen what a beautiful soul you are. This could be your last life before you sit up there in heaven, and I'm happy that we were the ones to take you in. You are lucky to have 7 people who loved you till death.

I write this so that you will always be in our memories - no matter where you are. I know that you are in a much more safer place than here  - where people see you barking at them and want to throw stones at you. Up there you don't have to bark at anyone.

We love you Tom, and you will remain in our hearts always - as the most mischievous little monster that you were.

New Life...

I'm so nervous, because in about two weeks time I will be moving to Penang in a whole new environment. I've got a new job and it's totally different from what I've been working as all these while. I've been working all along wearing work uniform, but now I've got to dress smartly casual (Whatever that is). Wish me luck!

How Do I Motivate my subordinates when I am Demotivated?

     Ok so I went for a Leadership training the other day and instead of feeling motivated (as I was during training), i felt totally demotivated by the end of it. Why? Well, because I was asked to explain about my member's recruitment achievement (which didn't hit the target given by my Headquarters) and of course I could go on and on saying that I don't have enough staffs, I have two departments to take care of at once (mind you, I am not the Buddha with a lot of hands), and all sorts, but knowing HQ, I know for sure they're not going to accept my answer.
    So instead, I honestly answered that probably my selling skills were not right (The thing i'm selling is my company's member's card). So flash forward to the next day which was yesterday, the HQ boss of mine came over for another evaluation and well I know he's not satisfied with my performance. I don't know what else to say to him; "I can't do sales job! I was never good at sales and never will be!"
     But even I know that is not the right way, because people always say, you can't say no, you gotta always say yeah and stuff, but I've been saying yeah for almost two years now, and come on, let's be realistic, I am not cut out to do sales. That's the reason I bypass any jobs in any classified that has the word sales on it, regardless of how high they may pay. I signed up for this job because I like to talk to people (as in deal with customer issues and stuffs), but I don't want to sell things to them. I'm now like the people I avoid in shopping complexes who come up to us saying, "miss do you want to try this and that, we're having a promotion now."
    The rejection is killing me slowly. Still I try, but i guess it's not enough. I don't know what else to do. Thus i get back to my topic, how do i Motivate others when I am demotivated? I know for a fact that motivation has to come from within myself, but we sometimes need a little prod in the right direction. I am supposed to come up with pep-talks and motivational encouragement to my sub-ordinates to make them sell our membership too, but how do I do that when I don't even belief in myself?
     I can't go ahead and say, "You guys can do it if you believe, because i know you can," when deep inside i'm thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Won't I sound like all those hypocrites i despise? *Sighs*
     I downloaded some motivational quotes using my phone, to help me motivate myself. Rationally I've got to motivate myself first before I go around preaching to others, right?
     Say as you do, and do as you say, am I right?

Fear of Non-Existence

    Sometimes I wonder what happens when we die? Do we face rebirth or do we just fade into oblivion? What if we've been reborn again and again and finally some upper forces say we're done rebirthing, then what happens? Do we float in space - a nameless, faceless entity or do we join the Upper Forces in what others call Heaven?
     I imagine our lives like reels of film - once one is completed, we have to replace the reel for the next movie. So let's say now we're in the 21st century and our movie ends then we'll be in the next 'movie' say in the 22nd century and so on and so forth. But what happens when the Earth no longer has centuries? What if the Earth is destroyed  some billion years later when we're in the midst of changing our reel? Do we reborn in space, floating our existence away? Where do we go from there?
     All I know about life is learning and growing up, finding your dreams and success, but does it all matter when we're a floating speck of dust in space? Is there a dream or goal to achieve when you're not in your human form? What are we we're not alive?
      What is the fear of non-existence known as because I think I may be having it? Sometimes at night when I go to sleep, just before fading into slumberland, I think about non-existence and I have to control my heartbeat which starts to race in fear. I have to think of other things just to get the thought of non-existence out of my mind. Does anyone else feel the same as me?
     I don't know the significance of the things I am doing in life when I think about my non-existence. Will it matter whether I have money or food or clothes when I do not exist? What am I if I don't exist?
     The good thing is that when I wake up, I forget all about the fear of non-existence and go on with my usual routine, which is significant in the daylight than when I think about it at night.
    Am I a freak?

TWISTED TALE – The Princess and the Pea

              There was once a beautiful, ambitious but poor little peasant girl named Sarah, who lives at the edge of a tiny little village, beside a narrow creek. She lives with her almost senile grandmother as she had lost her parents many years ago.

            Now, Sarah is not like any other peasant girl at her age. No, she wants more than her poor and ordinary life. She dreams of marrying a prince, living in a castle, wearing beautiful gowns and having servants galore.

When the royal family paraded in royal carriages through the town square, she stood in the crowd, eager to catch a glimpse of the most sought after royal prince. A small glimpse of him never sated her hunger to be his bride. She yearns to be a part of a world that she doesn’t belong to.

One day, as she was walking through the small town market, the royal messenger made an announcement that made her heart skip a beat.

“By the order of the Queen,” he read the Royal Proclamation, “The Royal Prince is in search of a fine Princess to be his future wedded wife, so as to take his place on the Throne as King. Royal Princesses from near and afar will be invited to meet with the Prince and once he had made his choice for a bride, there will be celebration for the whole country.”

Everyone cheered and clapped after listening to the proclamation. Sarah was almost disappointed, as she feared that her chance to be Princess is no longer there. She went home to ponder on her choices for her future.

Almost two months passed and the Prince still hasn’t found a bride for himself. It was said that the Prince almost always found something wrong with every Princesses that came to see him. Hearing this, Sarah’s brilliant mind started hatching a plan on its own.

It may be risky, not to mention that she could be tried for treason, but if she could just pull it off with no witnesses, she might just have a fool-proof plan in her hand. She decided that to act as soon as possible would make the plan work out right, as any dallying might make her change her mind.

Everyday she looked up at the sky, waiting for it to be dark, boding rain. It was almost a week before the dark clouds covered the village late in the afternoon. Without any second thoughts, Sarah trudged out of her small hut wearing one of her nicest dress, full of determination. No one was out around as they could see a storm coming up. This doesn’t deter Sarah, as she had a quest to fulfill. She had about an hour’s walk to the Royal Palace, when the rain started falling.

She smiled smugly, as this fitted her plan just perfectly. When she could see the gates of the Palace, she tore at certain places of her dress to make it look battle worn. By then, she was already wet and muddy, and she looked like a mess. She walked confidently up the Palace steps, and knocked on the door expectantly. She heard footsteps scurrying and a small mouse of a girl opened the door and looked up at Sarah.

“Can I help you?” she squeaked, apparently surprised at Sarah’s appearance.

“Hello there,” Sarah said, smiling weakly, an act that she had perfected over the days, “I am Princess Isabella from the faraway kingdom of Guinevere by the ocean, can I see your Prince please.”

“I’ll be right back,” the mousy girl squeaked, before closing the door on Sarah’s face. A few minutes later, the door opened, and the Queen stood there, looking at Sarah.

“And, who are you?” she asked.

“Good evening your Majesty,” Sarah said, curtseying, “I’m Princess Isabella from Guinevere, the land by the ocean. My kingdom was attacked by pirates, and I’m afraid no one survived.”

“But then, how did you escape?” the Queen asked, aghast.

“My father, the King of Guinevere, sent me away on our noble steed, Sir Nicholas, but alas, my steed died not long after sending me at the edge of this land,” Sarah explained convincingly, “I would like some shelter and some food, please.”

“Why dear, you’re shivering there,” the Queen exclaimed, before making way for Sarah to go in the Palace, “Do come in. Lucy here will see that you get some warm clothes and then you can join my son and me for dinner.”

Lucy, the mousy looking girl, scurried away with Sarah following close behind her. She was shown to an extravagantly decorated bedroom where Lucy laid down a fresh pile of clothes. Sarah picked up the pile to find a long flowing pink gown, which she pinned to her body excitedly. She stood in front of a full-body length mirror, admiring herself. Lucy was looking at her weirdly, but when she turned to look at her, she quickly disappeared out of the room.

Sarah took a bath and changed her clothes quickly, and started to find her way to the dining hall. When she found the dining hall, she was mesmerized by the beauty of the dome like ceiling.

“Nice of you to join us,” the Queen commented as she stood beside the long table.

“Hello there,” the Prince greeted, “you must be Princess Isabella.”

Instead of answering, Sarah did a polite curtsey, smiling sweetly, as the Prince pulled out a chair for her to sit on. Dinner was spent with polite talks and questions of her imaginary country. After dinner, the Queen left the table earlier. After the Queen left, Sarah got up to leave, as she bade goodnight to the Prince.

Finding her way back to the bedroom, she passed by the kitchen, where she heard whispers that made her stop in her tracks. She tip toed near the door to listen better.

“But he seemed smitten by her,” she heard the Queen saying to someone else.

“I can see that too, your majesty,” she heard Lucy replying.

“And I think her story don’t seem to be right,” the Queen whispered lower. Sarah had to strain her ear to listen, “How can someone who lost her father and the whole country seem all fine and calm. Its like she made it all up.”

“When she knocked on the door, the first thing that she asked for is the Prince,” Lucy said, excitedly. There was silence for a while as they both pondered the situation.

“I know how we can make sure whether she’s a Princess or not,” the Queen said, “we should place a pea at the bottom of her mattress, and pile a hundred mattresses over that lone pea. You know that real princesses can feel a pea through thousands of mattresses.”

“That’s a good idea your majesty,” Lucy agreed, her voice pitching higher, “I will get to it now.”

“Yes, Lucy,” the queen said, nodding her head, “and tomorrow we will know whether she’s a princess as she claims to be or not.”

Sarah quietly backed away from the door and retreated back to the dining hall, holding in her breath. Her cover was almost blown. She thanked the heavens that she happened to be walking by when the queen and Lucy were whispering in the kitchen or else tomorrow might be the last day she’ll get to see the daylight.

Sarah waited in the dining hall until Lucy came to fetch her. She followed her quietly as Lucy took her to the end of the second floor into a small room. In the middle of the room was a queen sized bed which was piled high to the ceiling with mattresses. Sarah gasped as she looked up at her sleeping place. Lucy stared at her quietly.

“This is your room, your highness,” Lucy said, bitingly.

“Why is it so high?” Sarah asked, playing her part well.

“It’s a specially made bed for princesses,” Lucy replied, “for your comfort, princess.”

“Okay,” Sarah replied, “how do I get up there?”

Lucy pointed at a ladder situated at the edge of the bed, and turned to leave. Sarah watched her leave with contempt. She was going to win this war, no matter what. She will get the prince.

That night, Sarah didn’t toss or turn in her sleep like she usually did lying on her old house floor. When she awoke in the morning, she stretched and yawned as if she never slept soundly for years.

After a bath, she proceeded to the dining hall. She could hear voices in the dining hall, meaning that the Queen and her son are already awake. She composed herself, and changed her gait of walking before entering the dining hall.

“Good morning, Princess,” the prince greeted her enthusiastically.

“Good morning,” she replied, as she took a seat, making sure that they saw that she sat down with difficulty.

“Did you have a good night’s rest?” the queen asked, fixing her with a cold stare.

“Oh, I don’t mean to complain,” she replied, “but I haven’t had an ounce of sleep last night. I was tossing and turning, but I can never find comfort. My whole body has bruises as if I was sleeping on rocks.”

“Oh, did you?” the queen asked, quite flabbergasted. She never thought that Sarah was a real princess, and now she has proof that she is indeed a princess.

“Yes, and not only that,” Sarah continued, faking a sob, “I couldn’t stop thinking about my father and my people. I feel all alone in this world now.”

“Oh, mother,” the Prince voiced out, as he rushed over to comfort Sarah, “look what you’ve done. Now you’ve made her cry.”

“It’s fine,” Sarah said, wiping her pretend tears, “I’m glad to have found a place to shelter for the night, but I guess I best be on my way out.”

“Where will you be going?” the Prince asked, shocked.

“I’ll have to find a place to stay now that I don’t have a home, don’t I?” she said, looking at him.

“No, please don’t go,” the Prince begged, “Please stay and be my wife.”

She looked at him with surprise, but inside of her she was dancing with joy. Her plan finally worked!

“But, the Queen,” she replied, looking sympathetically at the Queen.

“If my son has found his match, then who am I to disagree,” the queen said, smiling at Sarah kindly, “Let’s announce the wedding and get ready for the celebration.”

Sarah smiled as the preparations were made. She had finally reached her goal, to marry a Prince and to live in a Palace filled with servants, and no one will ever know of her deception.

Soulmate?? What a Rip-Off - Story Of A Small Town Girl

     Okay, so this story didn't happen to me, but to one of my sisters. It's pretty funny in my opinion so I decided to share it (With her permission, mind you).

     It happened about a week or so back, when she went for some kind of work training in KL. She and her friends decided to go shopping at KLCC, where her guy friend was doing all the shopping while she and another girl friend tagged along, holding all his shopping bags.
     While drinking a tasty drink (I can't really remember what drink it was, except that it was tasty and expensive), she, being the usual klutz that she was, tripped on some wire that was on the ground or something and had a nasty fall, right on her butt.
     Looking around to make sure no one saw her, she quickly got to her feet and made as if nothing happened. So walking along, minding her own business and obviously distracted, she bumped straight into someone coming from the opposite direction.
     Before she could look up, the man spoke, and she felt as if she had found her soul mate. She slowly looked up at the tall Caucasian man that she had bumped into, feeling her heart flutter like a million butterflies. He was saying something about the fall that she had earlier on, but all she could hear was angels singing, as the world froze, and all that was left was she, and the most gorgeous guy she had ever set her eyes upon.
    Suddenly, like a jammed tape recorder, the angels singing got distorted.
     "Baby, what are you doing there?"
     She froze when she heard her friend call her. The handsome guy in front of her looked puzzled as he looked from her to the guy calling her.
     "I think your boyfriend's looking for you," he said.
     "That ain't my boyfriend," she said, gritting her teeth.
     "Hey, baby, let's go now," he friend called out to her again.
     "Wait la!" she snapped at him, but turned back and smiled sweetly at the gorgeous guy, "So where were we?"
     "I don't want to be in a middle of a fight," the handsome guy said, "You'd better get back to your boyfriend."
     Dejectedly she walked back to her friend and started scolding him.
     "Baby?? Why did you have to do that??" she asked, "Can't you see I was having a connection there?"
     "Great connection there," her friend replied sarcastically, "Turn around and look at your soul mate."
   
     Slowly but surely, my sister turned to look and was she totally aghast when she saw the gorgeous guy of her dreams walking away, hand in hand, with another guy, looking so totally in love.
   

My Furry Little Friend

    First there was two, one was called Tom, and the other, Bill, after the lead guitarist and vocalist of the German band Tokio Hotel. Who I'm talking about, you ask? It's none other than my two little puppies. Tom has patches of brown fur on white, while Bill has black patches over white.
     The saddest thing happened about two days before my birthday. We lost Bill. My sis, mom and I scoured the whole neighborhood but we couldn't find him. Initially we were sad, furious at whomever that took him and devastated for his loss, but we had to move on.
     So there was one, Tom, who is very much loved by everyone in my family. I come home from a tiring day at work, and light up just to see him prancing about my feet. Sometimes, he does the cutest things. Like the other day, as I was lazily lounging on the sofa watching his antics, where he seemed to be hyperactive and running around the house.
     Suddenly he realized I was lying on the couch, so he came and stood there looking at me. I said 'hi', and he jumped on me to lick my face. I screamed and he ran away continuing his sniffing around.
     I like the way he'd perk up when I drive in the house, wagging his tails, as if so happy to see me. And when we eat, don't even get me started. He'd sit right at our leg and wait for us to feed him. If we don't then he'll sit outside and not look at us. Smart little spoilt puppy.
     I'm so glad we decided to adopt him. He definitely made a difference in our lives.

Short hair = tomboy, No!

     When I was nineteen, I sort of went through a, what-you-call-it?, hair disaster. I went to the hairdressers to get a hair cut, so I told the lady that I wanted to cut my hair short, not a boy cut but about shorter than my shoulder so that I didn't have to tie it up for school, and guess what? She made a few mistakes and cut my hair too short it became like a boy cut.
     I was on the verge of crying when I looked at myself in the mirror, but all she could say was I looked nice. I wanted to strangle her, as her mistake could cause me utter humiliation.
     Being a fashion retard that I was back then, I never thought that I could have short hair and still dress like a girl and work the look. No, instead I started dressing like a guy, thinking that was the only way to save myself from disgrace.
     I never had short hair since I was a kid. I'm the kind of girl who is satisfied with any hairstyles that makes me look like a girl. And having my hair cropped short was certainly a disaster for me, especially that I was studying in a boy's school for form 6 at that time.
     So anyways, as I was saying, I started dressing a bit like a tomboy. But, mind you, I was totally hundred percent girl in my heart and soul, and I still liked guys, but I, being the 'genius' that I was, thought that dressing that way made me keep up with the image.
    But I was only making a big deal in my head. No one made fun of my hair at school. They just asked, why was my hair short, and when I told them the truth that I didn't want it that short, but the hairdresser did it that way, they accepted my answer.
     I somehow got the liking of dressing in cargo pants, with a shirt and walking around like a tough guy. There were even some little kids from the school who, every time they saw me, they'll call me "hip-hop sister". That was the upside to being like a tomboy. The downside to it was that the guys treated me like 'one of the boys', so well, no luck in the romance section. Not that I was complaining.
     By the time I graduated, I managed to grow my hair back, but my attitude kind of stuck on. It wasn't until I started working that I started wearing make-up and using accesories and dressing like a girl. That even scored me a man (which eventually ended). Again, I'm not complaining.
     All I know is that I got to know myself during those times. And now that I'm all 'matured' and stuff, I know that I can rock a short hair and yet still dress like a girl and still be demure. I need not to change my whole personality, unless, on second thought, maybe I am not too girly after all. That's what people say though. Maybe I am a little bit tough, but still soft. After all, no one's perfect, right?
    One thing for sure, I never went back to that hairdressers.

Emptiness

          I watched as people pass by me in blurry shadows. They seemed to be moving at a fast pace, I can't catch up. I see no faces, no features, only emptiness. I stand still, feeling the numbness envelope me. No one seemed to realize me standing there. I felt invisible, like I didn't existed.
         I try to take a step forward, but it feels as if my feet was made of lead and glued to the ground. I can't move forward, I can't even move back, it's impossible!
        

          Thunder rumbled and the first drops of rain falls on my head. I looked up to the sky to see the heavens open up to rain down on me. Everyone around me runs for cover and soon I was the only one left standing in the poring rain. The coldness bites through my skin, as I hug my body tight. There was nowhere I could run for cover. I felt the emptiness in me as I shivered against the cold wind and pelting rain.

        



Why do I feel so alone in this world even though I am surrounded by people?
          I have friends and family but when I come home, and sit in my room I feel like I'm the only one left in this world.
         And sometimes I even feel alone when I'm out there with people. What is missing?

          Some say that when you have unaccomplished dreams then you'd feel like there's something missing in your life. I do have dreams that I haven't reached yet, so could that be the reason for my emptiness?
     Others say that you need to be in love or in a relationship so as to fill that hole in your heart. But, I was in love once, and even at that time, I still felt that something was missing - a part of me that's not complete. So it can't be that I'm missing love, after all I do have the love of my family and friends.
        

Do I have to reach my dreams to fill up the emptiness or do i search my soul for the answers?

       Only I hold the key for the answers that my heart asks. If I can only unlock the answers then I don't have to go around looking for the answers. Maybe one day the sun will shine ahead and give me the enlightenment that I need.
        Maybe then I might rid myself of this emptiness inside and find a more fulfilling life for me.

P.S. :- I Love You.....But...You Love Her...

 Dear (insert name here) ,

          I see you smiling there. How I wish that it was for me. The stars seemed so bright in your eyes, and I can see a reflection in it. Not of mine, but of hers. The girl that had brought the smile to your face. The girl who is now living my dream of being with you.

          I still remember the first time I saw you. I know I didn't fall for you at first sight, but my feelings gradually grew, and I started to like you without knowing you.

It may be just a crush but I liked what I saw in my dreams. Of us floating on purple clouds and swirling purple fog, living in a dream world where everything was perfect. A perfect dream that is all lost to me now.

      I never told you how I felt. I kept it a secret from you as I fear rejection. You were already accepting me as a friend and I didn't want to lose even a little contact with you.

And then she came around, the perfect young woman to fit your perfect little world. With her cute face, and childish antics, I could see the attraction in your eyes. You, whom I've seen sitting around moping, seemed to be alive with new senses. You were smiling often, you were joking, and you were completely smitten by this girl.

         I watched to see my dream slowly crumbling into a dust heap at my feet. I knew she was no competition for me. I knew that I had lost you to this little frolicking girl who could give you all the happiness that you needed.

        

           All I could do was watch from the sidelines, as if I was watching a big screen television. It all seemed unreal to me. I want to be happy for you, but my heart aches. I know I have to let you go for me to move on, but my eyes can't turn away. I need strength, I need hope, and I need to learn to let go.

         

         You don't see the tears falling behind the mask of happiness that I'm wearing in front of you. I'm hiding from the pain. I don't want you to know what I feel. I just want you to know that I am happy and that I think you belong with her as you both look perfect together. I would just leave it all and find my own way in this world. I will find the strength, though I don't know how, but I know there will be a  light to shine the path in front of me. I will always have faith, and belief that there's a rainbow for me.

      For now, I bid you farewell.

Love,

(insert name here)

p/s:- may you be blessed by the lord and live happily ever after.

Unrequited Love

          We've all been there before, or still going through it right now. The common phase of plucking off the petals of a rose saying "he loves me, he loves me not" or "she loves me, she loves me not" never grows old in any era. The feeling of love unrequited could sometimes make people stronger or sometimes just break apart their heart.

          The oxford dictionary defines 'unrequited' as (of a feeling, especially love) not returned. 
           It means, being in love with someone so deeply, but not getting the same love back. Either the person has no idea whatsoever of your love to that person, or that person doesn't reciprocate the feelings that you have.               

          I've never really had an unrequited love experience. I mean I only fell in love once and it ended, but that's a different story altogether. What I'm trying to say is, I've never fallen in love otherwise, but I did have my own share of crush unrequited though. It may not be the same as unrequited love, but it fits the category, because when you love someone, you do it with all your heart. On the other hand, a crush is just a form of infatuation, although it may sometimes be mistaken as love - but it isn't. It is just that - a crush.

           Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who'd had crushes in their lives. Even right now I'm crushing on someone, and no, I'm not disclosing who it is. Past experiences had told me that publicizing my crush may very well make me want to bury my head underground like an ostrich. That is because what I feel is not felt by the person on the other end. In the Malay language they have a saying for that which goes as "bertepuk tangan sebelah" , which means clapping with only one hand. It does make sense, in a way that no sound is produced if you clap with only one hand. You have to join both hands together to make a sound, which means there is no relationship if only one person is in love. For it to be a relationship, both people have to be in love.

          The crush I'm having right now is definitely only on my side as the guy is obviously attracted to another girl. I see them talking, laughing and flirting almost everyday. It's hard for me to watch, but I just swallow the hurt, and smile not to show my true feelings.
          It has happened many times, but it had never prolonged. Like I said, crushes are merely infatuation for someone's looks or appearance. We crush on someone without getting to know them better. If we still like them after knowing them, only then can those feelings turn into love.



           Which brings me to today's topic of unrequited love. This feeling can be very painful, as you feel your life energy draining out of you trying to hold on to the tiny thread holding you from the other person. It's like you've given up your heart for that person, and left your soul with them, but you can't find that love in their eyes. It is only you experiencing all that feeling.
          You wait and wait for them to respond to what you feel - but in vain. How long do you have to hold on, waiting for that love which you are not sure is even yours?




 No one wants to be in that situation, but sadly it always finds us. If you are feeling so, never give up. Never stop fighting, be strong as only the strong prevails.

And if you feel like all hope is lost, look around you and who knows, you might find something else that will make all the pain go away. If you open your eyes and turn away from the misery, there will be rainbow. Though it may not be what you've been waiting for, but you will know that it is what you never realized you've been looking for.

Music To Heal, Soothe and Rock up My Heart

          I love to listen to music. Most of the songs that I listen to are mainstream rock songs. I'm not into indie or underground or hard metal. Sometimes I also listen to the popular Pop songs that's playing on the radio. So when I'm down or mad or just plain bored I listen to my favorite songs. I have lots and lots of favorite songs, but below are some songs that will always put me back on the right mood.

1. Paramore - That's What You Get

The song that never fails to give me a booster at any given time.

2. Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending

This song was the best song for me after I broke off with my boyfriend. Let's just say the song speaks straight to my heart.

3. My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words.

"I am not afraid to keep one living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone."
Words to give us strength when we feel all alone in this world.

4. Tokio Hotel - Don't Jump

The one song that can bring tears to my eyes. And the ending lyric which goes as this:-
"and if all that can't hold you back...then i'll jump for you.."
how touching...don't it bring tears to your eyes?

unfortunately i can't get a perfect HD quality of the video but this will do.

5. Jesse McCartney - Because You Live

The only singer I've loved for a long time. I think I loved him since I was fifteen. His songs now are different from what he used to sing, but I still love him. This song is the best he ever sang.

As they say, No Music, No Life.

Eye-Sight

      I am a short-sighted person. I can't see more than 12 inches in front of me. That makes me rely my life on a spectacles, the one that I'm wearing now.

      I realized I couldn't see properly when I was around twelve, when my class chalkboard looked blur to me. I almost couldn't see what my teacher was writing on the board, and I had to squint to make the words look clearer. I started getting awful headaches and my eyes got sensitive to the sun-light.

      Then one day, when the school had eye check-up, the doctors said that I needed to get glasses as I had bad eyesight. I started my new year with new glasses. My first glasses were very nerdy-looking pink ones. I don't have it with me anymore, but I'd never wear them out in public anymore. It looked something like the picture beside. Not pretty, eh?

      As I grew older I changed many glasses I lost count of them. But my latest one looks similar to the picture beside. It's my trusted glass. I can't go anywhere without it. I've always wanted to get contact lenses but I never had the guts to wear it. I have a fear of poking something in my eye. A friend of mine once told me that wearing contacts aren't so hard, but I don't have the guts to try it just yet. Besides, my eyes are sensitive to sunlight so it tends to be irritated all the time. I might rub my lenses out anytime.
      Although I've always wanted to try on a purple color contact lenses. One day when I have the guts to finally put on contacts, I will try a purple one.

Trust

      It's so hard to trust. I've run out of people whom I can really trust. You think you can trust someone and they turned out to be faking to you all along.
      I don't mean anyone in particular. I meant almost everyone that I've come to known. They somehow manage to betray the trust, friendship and loyalty I may have had on them. I daresay that I am a loyal friend and that you can lay your trust in me if you are my friend. I do not back-stab a friend, nor will I talk about a friend behind their back. My friends can count on me to have their back.
      But why can't I find someone who'd back me up in a fight or be there for me when others are against?
      I thought I can trust some people whom I knew recently, but I realized that no one cares about anyone anymore. Everyone's out for their own gain, their own selves. Of course I've known friends who are loyal and trustworthy ( you know who you are ).
     And those who lost my trust, you may not know that I know, but you know in your hearts that you are not a true friend. Think about it and consider whether we should go on or not.

On A Valentine's day

Cue Song:- Linkin Park's Valentine's day
  
      It's been almost a year. In five days it will be a year. A year since I've broken up with my first boyfriend. The first few months were horrible, really horrible and full of bitterness. I wake up everyday feeling hollow inside. I mean, who wouldn't feel that way? The guy you thought you could never live without is no longer in your life.
      We were together for almost two years ( if I'm not mistaken ), been friends before we hooked up. A few months into our relationship, I was transferred to another state for work and he was back here in my hometown. We somehow worked out a long-distance relationship of texting and calling each other almost everyday. Then he was transferred to another state too, somewhere south from where I was.
      The distance somehow didn't seem to be a problem for us at that point, as we could somehow work this thing out. Or so I thought. Then things started going downhill. We both became busy as workload seems to be taking a toll on us. And he was becoming too pushy for me, in many ways.
     We started arguing more, not a lot, not a scream-fest, but we seem to have more minor disagreements in comparison to before those times. The last straw was when the last time we met and I was in a terrible state. I was having a lot of pressure at work, pressure that made me resign and instead of being there for me like he always promised, he seemed vacantly oblivious of what I'm going through.
     He was more interested in the fact he'll never be able to visit the state that I was working in as he can't make trips there. Come on, how insensitive can a guy be?
     I was already having doubts on whether to continue this relationship or not, but I didn't have the guts to end it. I was like everyone else, thinking it will change, thinking he will change. But I guess I was hanging on to a thin thread that was about to crumble.
     After I moved back to my hometown he barely called or texted me. I didnt do the same too as I was busy figuring out what to do with my life then. I thought the problem between me and him could be solved later. Then Valentine's day came around the corner and guess what? He didnt even called me or text me to wish me. Every other couples in love would be planning something romantic and my own boyfriend could not even call me up and wish me. When he finally wished me in the evening, we had a little fight and we never texted each other or called each other again as I deliberated my next step.
     I decided to send him an email about what I felt and I told him that if he doesn't want to be in a relationship then it was best if we broke up. I actually thought that he'd try to make things better, as I had previously done once or twice break-up tactics and he always managed to coax me out of it. But I guessed this time he felt that we needed the space too and he said that he agreed with a breakup.
     I was devastated. Well, at that time, I was in a dilemma. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to be in a relationship or not, and I had expected him to want me to stay, instead he said that he feels cooped up in a relationship and he wants to lead a single life. There was no turning back.
     I was so afraid to let go, but finally it had happened. I had wanted it to last longer, but to think about prolonged agony and disappointment, it was a good thing it ended. I always thought I couldn't bear to live without him, but now, after a year, it's safe to say that I have always been and always will be able to be on my own.

A New Image

     I was considering the thought of changing the image of my blog. I mean for as long as I've been using it, it has been adorned with the pictures of my favorite band. My blog is not about music, nor my fave bands, but it is about anything that I want to write about. Anything at all that crosses my mind.
     Right now I'm in the midst of picking a new theme, packed with a new name and new pictures. Hopefully I won't be disappointed with my selection.